Healing & Recovery (Week 4)

One of the things I was most looking forward to when I embarked on this mission trip was a chance to simply get away. Some of my favorite days here are the ones when I don’t do much of anything. That’s atypical for me, but it also demonstrates how exhausted I am. I’ve grown to believe that this is because my mind and heart are healing. When a body part is injured, we’re instructed to rest it. I believe the same is true for my emotions.

I’m very thankful that I planned this trip when I did. The two years since graduation have been brutal, to say the least. I didn’t realize just how much hurt had built up because I grew numb, to the point where I could no longer feel pain and just laughed at whatever the next blow was. I knew that I needed a major change. It definitely wasn’t ‘safe’ to plan and execute this trip in the midst of the unknown, but I was willing to take that risk. At the very minimum, I was able to leave my job, and that has radically improved my outlook.

Unfortunately, my coworkers fed me devastating lies. It started within the first month when one faculty member, completely out-of-the-blue, told me that I would never succeed as a researcher. I didn’t have the drive or ambition. It’s too hard for women like me. That was his response to the hours I devoted helping him on a paper. Other staff raved about the lab, saying that it is the best workplace ever; it doesn’t get much better. Elsewhere, people get ruder, bosses get meaner and less understanding, etc. I was asked to close my lettering business so I could focus on my job even after I left the lab, though I was only paid for 40 hrs/week. The double standards were insane. The mental games were difficult to follow. And the atmosphere was generally negative and oppressing. I needed to be out of there.

I can’t tell you how many months I spent calling my mom or friends in tears on the half-mile walk to my car every evening. I would go home, completely depressed and too exhausted to exercise, cook, operate my business, or be social. And then I would restlessly sleep, only to do it all again the next day. It was an awful cycle. I was miserable, I gained weight, I lost interest in everything, and I became a really good actress so my coworkers couldn’t see how they affected me and my friends couldn’t tell just how poorly I was doing. I hated the person I was becoming.

Embarking on this trip was scary. But in reality, I have never felt freer! Over the past month, I’ve been slowly unraveling these lies to see that I really still am the person everyone professes me to be; situations and words are powerful tools that can be used to build up or tear down. Let’s examine some of them now:

My work ethic: My coworkers had me believing that I was lazy, incapable of satisfactory performance, negative, aggressive, irresponsible, and an all-around disappointment. I began to question if I would ever be able to succeed as an employee anywhere else, especially if my job really was “as good as it gets.” I was torn up about it. However, being here in Romania, I’m seeing my natural drive reemerge, and it’s incredibly refreshing! Without even thinking about it, I offer to help with dishes, cleaning, and anything else happening around me. I’m constantly coming up with new ideas for projects, executing them well, and am thoroughly enjoying the process. I excitedly do things when asked, not begrudgingly. Plus, praise is a powerful motivator.

My relationships: I was really nervous to leave the US because I’ve had a streak of relationships that haven’t ended well. I wasn’t sure how stable my current friendships were, and I was afraid that uprooting myself for two months would cause people to grow closer without me and I would be left friendless and feeling even more lonely than when I left. Thankfully, my friends back home haven’t forgotten me 😉 Some of them have been really diligent in following up with me, which means more than I can ever describe. And here in Romania, I’ve been growing close with all the ladies I meet. I’m thankful for the deep conversations, the laughs, and the feeling of belonging. Again, it’s refreshing to know that the lies people have fed me about how I’m a terrible friend are far from truth.

Honestly, I don’t miss my job one bit. I am still nervous about what I will do in a month when I come home, but I firmly believe that God made this trip happen for a reason, and thus He will also provide for my needs at home. It’s scary not to have a job lined up, but I’ve also come to realize that perhaps God is providing continued space for processing and healing. It’s going to be a real adjustment coming back to Harrisburg and living a different life than the one I left in May, so I imagine that I’ll need time to adapt. Plus, God is really good about coming through at the last minute. That happened with financial provision for my trip, and I trust it will happen again in August. In the meantime, I’m continuing to wait on Him and trust in His provision.